Most of us have heard of the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The model, introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, was originally based on interviews with people facing their own death, not those mourning a loved one. Over time it became a kind of cultural map for grief. The trouble is, real grief rarely follows the map.
Modern grief research paints a different picture. Grief tends to come in waves rather than stages — unpredictable surges of sadness, longing, or even guilt, mixed with ordinary or even good moments. Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe a natural oscillation: we move between facing the loss and taking a break from it — doing practical things, working, even laughing. Both are part of healthy grieving, not signs of avoidance or of "not grieving properly."
This matters because many grieving people quietly worry they are doing it wrong. They feel anger when they "should" feel sadness, or relief when they "should" feel devastated, or they still feel raw long after others expect them to have "moved on." If that’s you: nothing is wrong with you. Grief is as individual as the relationship you lost.
It’s also true that grief and depression can overlap. If the heaviness becomes constant, if nothing brings moments of relief, or if you feel worthless or hopeless most of the time, it’s worth talking with a counsellor or your GP. Support doesn’t rush your grief — it walks alongside it.
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
— C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Try this in practice
- Let the waves be waves. When a surge of grief arrives, let it move through rather than fighting it. Waves rise — and they also pass.
- Give yourself permission to rest from grief. Enjoying a film or a meal is not disloyalty. Breaks are part of grieving.
- Keep the connection. Many people find comfort in continuing bonds — talking to the person, keeping rituals, cooking their recipes. This is healthy.
- Mark the hard dates. Anniversaries and birthdays can ambush you. Plan something small and kind for those days in advance.
- Say it out loud. Grief shrinks a little when spoken. Find one person — friend, family member, counsellor — you can be honest with.